Why are there no love and respect in East Asian families?

Note, the following are not isolated cases, but very common phenomena within East Asian families.

In our propaganda, we are a nation of etiquette, our family education includes righteousness, integrity, virtue, and shame, emphasizing family morals and traditions, which sound like good words, but if you examine them closely, they actually do not contain love and respect at all—only what? Strict hierarchies, interests, face, vanity—these are the core of East Asian culture; everything else is just a disguise.

Righteousness, integrity, virtue, shame, family morals, and traditions—who are they for? For outsiders; why for outsiders? To create an image of being well-behaved and cooperative— the poorer the family, the stricter the demands for these things, because the poorer they are, the more outsiders dare to challenge your reasoning in social interactions, so they must force everyone in the family to strictly follow all the norms spoken of by others. But internally? Once the facade is torn down, it’s completely different. You will find that in a large family, the one in power can act arbitrarily, but the lower members must obey a series of strict rules because they are weaker, and they rely on the support of those in power. If the lower members dare to propose words like love, equality, mutual respect—what happens? They are told to get lost, cut off from resources, forced to submit— the power of those in authority is consolidated through such repeated games and confrontations, and this is the true background of many East Asian families.

So why do children in East Asian families have to undergo a spiritual parricide and matricide during their growth? Because there is a very strict hierarchy of power in East Asian families, solidified from childhood. If the child does not complete this ritual, and the parents do not relinquish control, the child will never truly grow up, and will never be successful—no matter how old they are, they are just giant infants. Only by thoroughly engaging in a mental battle with the parents and winning—causing the parents to yield—can the child be considered a complete person—actually, people are inherently complete; they just reclaim the part of their “independent personality” taken from them since childhood. That’s why I often say, if your parents are not successful people, then generally, the more they say, the less you should listen—partly because what they say is likely wrong; and partly because, in an East Asian family, to continue growing, you must first complete this ritual, provided you are financially independent. I don’t know how many people, right after graduation, are asked by their parents for “filial money”? Or euphemistically called “helping you save”? Whether or not they are actually saving for you, this already involves control of power—using your own money, you have to tell them the purpose, and apply for it. If you cannot rise up and fight back, take back your money, and are willing to bear higher living costs to move out, then you lose another chance to grow up. Many East Asian parents have poor relationships with their children in old age. To outsiders, they still maintain a superficial friendliness, but the true connection has long been gone—everyone is just performing, acting out a fixed routine under social consensus. Why is the root gone? Hidden in repeated power struggles and threats—you know a child threatened to be thrown out, or not given money for tuition, but later had to come back because they couldn’t survive independently—what kind of feelings grow in their heart? You see them compromise, become what you see as a “good kid” who listens to you, but secretly, layers of resentment have built up. Such children, once independent, will leave and become strangers to their parents, with no nostalgia. From the parents’ perspective, the child was well-behaved as a kid, so why are they like this when they grow up? Actually, they are just pretending. Once they break free from that survival dependency, they no longer need to fake. Many parents still naively think their children have “gone bad” or “learned bad habits”—but this is not “bad,” it’s just uncontrollable. But is this particular to East Asians? No, it’s poverty. Love is a form of giving that may go unrewarded; it’s a luxury. It can only exist in societies with material abundance and comprehensive welfare; otherwise, it will be conditioned—like “raising children to prevent old age,” “control,” “hierarchy of power”—because the poor cannot afford unconditional love; they fear losing everything. Everything they do has a purpose, and they expect material returns; otherwise, they won’t do it. When East Asians move away from feudal society and become wealthier in relatively egalitarian environments, these false notions collapse. They initially refrain from having children because they find that after installing love and respect, having children is no longer cost-effective—the return on investment is too low. If they are fortunate enough to pass that period and their economy continues to grow, birth rates will shift from extremely abnormal lows to moderately low, with a slight increase. Because their ideas change—having children no longer demands a return, and they dare to “consume.” Only then will love and respect appear in East Asian families. But does this mean the power structure disappears? When contributions within the family are unequal, is there truly equality? Of course not; absolute equality does not exist. But in a place where the power hierarchy is less blatant, both the top and bottom have their “unspoken understanding”—they guard their boundaries. What the top is unwilling to give, they simply do not give, rather than giving for various reasons or social pressure and then pressuring the other to be obedient, expecting a return. In places where the top is willing to give freely, and waste doesn’t matter, everyone respects each other—no one feels that giving or receiving means anything, or that they must pay something in exchange. It’s all done sincerely, willingly—if they don’t want to do it, they simply don’t. That is love and respect. East Asians will become richer and will change, just a bit later. #我的Gate交易时刻