The underlying logic of the Chinese education system is: your outcome = your effort. Did poorly on the exam? You didn’t work hard enough. Criticized by the teacher? You did something wrong. Classmates don’t like you? You need to reflect on yourself.

People shaped by this system share a common trait: they default to assuming all negative feedback is their own fault. Because from childhood, every evaluation system tells you—the problem lies with you; change yourself and everything will be fine.

This logic works in school—because exams are indeed variables you can control. But in the real world:
- Someone treats you poorly—maybe they got yelled at by their boss today.
- A deal falls through—maybe the other party’s funding chain broke.
- A relationship ends—maybe they have an avoidant attachment style.

None of these are things you can change by "trying harder." But a good student’s instinctive reaction is always: I’ll try a little harder, be a little better, adjust a little more—and then take responsibility for all the external variables.

On a deeper level: internalizing blame is an illusion of control. The conclusion "it’s my fault" is painful, but it gives you a sense of control—"I can change this." Whereas "it’s not my fault" means accepting that some things are beyond your control, some people you can’t hold onto, and some outcomes have nothing to do with your effort. For good students, this loss of control is harder to bear than self-blame.

What you need to practice now is: allowing yourself to have no control. Not everything has a variable you can optimize. Sometimes the answer is simply—this has nothing to do with me. Next.