If life starts out with a terrible hand, can you still turn it around? (My father died, and after my mother remarried, she stopped caring about me.)

That was when I was eight years old.
My dad passed away (from the account of the person involved..)
Not long after, my mom remarried.
She took my sister with her, and my sister lived with her.
I was left behind, becoming a child nobody looked after.
From that day on, I knew that some roads can only be walked alone….
Later on, I lived with my grandpa and my fourth uncle.
My grandpa had a bad temper—he would scold and grumble every day.
My fourth uncle was honest and decent; he couldn’t even take care of himself, let alone look after me.
When I was little, what I feared most wasn’t getting beaten.
It was hunger—
With nobody taking care of me, I didn’t even know if I’d get fed.
My clothes were also picked over from what relatives’ kids had finished wearing.
Later, once I grew taller, my pants turned short.
No new pants.
So I cut the pant legs off another pair of old pants, stitch by stitch, then kept wearing them…
Back then, I thought: as long as I could still wear it, it wasn’t that bad—and I was actually still kind of happy..

After I started middle school, it got even harder.
I couldn’t afford even a single penny of tuition fee..
Every day, my homeroom teacher would, almost in front of the whole class, ask:
“When are you going to pay your tuition?”
I’d keep my head down..
I couldn’t say a word.
Later, the school didn’t send me textbooks.
Then they arranged me in the last row.
No books.
And I couldn’t see the blackboard clearly.
Every day I just sat there, like a transparent person..
But I still didn’t drop out.
I always felt that as long as I was still sitting in the classroom, there would be a little hope..

The year of the high school entrance exam,
I actually got into high school..
My fourth uncle only said one sentence to me:
“School doesn’t cost anything—you can keep studying.”
“If it costs money, come back—don’t study.”

I went.
The school kept催ing me for tuition,
but they also never kicked me out.
Those years of high school were the hardest time in my life..
If you lived on campus, you needed living expenses.
I didn’t.
Many times, one meal was two steamed buns, with a bit of salted vegetable or garlic.
My mouth was full of ulcers for a long time,
and I studied until the night.
So hungry I couldn’t even sleep..
But my grades were always in the top ten of the class.

Later, I got into the key class..
Still, I studied like crazy.
I always thought…
As long as my grades were a little better,
life might get better too.
But later,
my family still wouldn’t let me keep studying..
That day, I rode my bicycle back home.
All the way, my heart felt empty.
I didn’t know what I could do in the future..

Later, I went to an electronics factory.
My first month’s salary was a bit over two hundred yuan.
The first time I earned money on my own.
The first time I could eat a full meal without worrying.
Also there,
for the first time, a girl had a good feeling about me.
But at that time, my head was filled with only one thought:
Make money!
Survive!
Later, I learned to operate a lathe.
Other people were learning skills as an apprentice,
but more often than not, I was搬ing cargo—loading and unloading.
Five hundred yuan a month..
After working for a year, I finally saved a little money.
In 2008,
I had saved a total of more than nine thousand yuan.
When many people have money, they start thinking about buying things.
What I thought was:
Should I go back and study?
Everyone who knew me thought I was crazy.
I’d been out of school for three years.
Who would still be able to pass an exam?
I didn’t know either.
But I always felt…
Not finishing high school wasn’t because I didn’t want to study.
It was because I wasn’t willing to give up.
In the end, I took three thousand yuan.
I enrolled in a cram school for the repeat year.
For more than half a year,
there was no one helping me.
No one encouraged me.
Every day it was just lowering my head and studying—
studying like crazy.
Later,
I received my university admission letter.
That day, I was happy for a long time by myself.
I really wanted to find someone to share it with.
But I flipped through the contacts book—
I didn’t know who to call…
The first time I stepped into university,
I dragged the suitcase I had just bought,
stood at the campus gate.
Looking at the library,
I suddenly felt:
Turns out the world is really much bigger than what I saw as a kid.
Those four years of university,
other people went out to play,
but most of the time I stayed in the library.
Not because I loved studying that much,
but because I didn’t have to spend money there.
Quiet.
And there was air conditioning.

On the day of graduation, it was drizzling lightly.
I didn’t bring an umbrella.
Halfway there, I saw that girl who had been quietly liking me for a long time.
She held an umbrella and walked ahead.
I gathered my courage and ran to catch up.
We squeezed together into the same small umbrella,
and we ran all the way to the station.
All the way we laughed,
and we chatted the whole time.
That road was very short—
short enough that we hadn’t even gotten around to saying “I like you,”
before it reached its end.

Later,
we each boarded different trains.
We never met again.

Many people think…
Later, I got into university.
Then I studied for a graduate degree again.
That’s a comeback.
But I never felt that way.
I didn’t defeat hardship.
It’s always been there.
Even today,
I still don’t feel secure.
I still fear losing things.
I still get anxious over little things.
Those things left behind from childhood
won’t disappear just because of an admission letter.
But if you ask me
what I’m most proud of in my life—
it’s not university.
It’s not a graduate degree.
It’s that child who was never held up by anyone,
never encouraged by anyone,
never had anyone tell her/him “it’s okay.”
In the end,
I still didn’t give up on myself..

If life starts out with a terrible hand, will you choose to give up,
or keep playing it through to the end?