Over the past few years, I've increasingly felt that people are most prone to deceiving themselves about three things:

Treating sex as love, treating love as suitable for marriage, and treating marriage as the ultimate security in a relationship.

But reality often doesn't play along.

Some people are inseparable when they're close, sharing everything, but have no idea what to talk about once the sun comes up. Some love deeply and feel real pain when they part, but when it comes to money, family, city, and how to live in the future, neither is willing to take a step forward. And then there are couples who have bought a house, had kids, and live a seemingly stable life, yet lying in the same bed feels like two roommates who have been cohabiting for years.

We always hope that marriage, love, and sex can happen with the same person. To love each other, be physically compatible, live in harmony, and still want to be close after many years.

That's a beautiful wish, but truly achieving it is very difficult.

Sex relies on desire, love on feeling, and marriage on the ability to live together. Desire fades, feelings change, and the ability requires two people to slowly develop it amidst the messy details of life.

Sex is probably the most easily misunderstood thing.

When two people are very close, breathing intertwined, defenses temporarily vanish, it's easy to get the illusion that "we already know each other well enough." But physical distance and emotional distance can be far apart.

What truly defines a relationship is often what happens after intimacy ends.

Did I notice if she was uncomfortable? The next day, do we still feel like talking to each other properly? When I want to be close to her, I'm proactive, but when she needs reassurance and security, do I find her troublesome?

It's possible to desire someone deeply but never think about how to cherish them. These two things can coexist.

But I also don't want to belittle sex.

Intimacy within love can indeed make one feel accepted. You give yourself without defenses, and the other person respects you, cares about your feelings, and doesn't treat it as a trophy to prove possession.

But no matter how compatible the bodies are, they can't replace communication, let alone solve issues of money, family, loyalty, and the future. At most, it can temporarily quiet existing problems, but when emotions subside, those problems will sit back between the two people.

Love is more complicated than sex. When you love someone, you want to see them, to talk about trivial things. You think of them when eating something delicious, and when you see a cute cat on the road, you instinctively pull out your phone to take a picture for them.

But liking to chat together doesn't mean you're suited for life together.

Some people are good at dating but lack the ability to sustain a relationship. They're incredibly gentle when in a good mood, but as soon as real problems arise, they start to dodge. They speak many beautiful words, but when it comes time for them to make a decision, they leave the pressure to the other person.

I've seen two people who love passionately through their phones, chatting until dawn, reluctant to part when they meet. But as soon as they discuss which city to live in, whose career to adjust, how to spend money, and how their families will get along, the atmosphere immediately turns heavy.

The feelings are real, and the difficulties are real.

Love can make people want to be close, but it cannot magically teach someone to be responsible.

Marriage is even more straightforward. It drags two lovers out of dates and places them among bills, chores, illness, exhaustion, and extended families.

When dating, you see each other a few times a week, and everyone has time to compose themselves. After living together, she will see me at my laziest, most irritable, and most disheveled, while I will witness her moments of losing control, vulnerability, and being difficult.

Many relationships can withstand infatuation but cannot withstand the nitty-gritty.

Who does the housework, how are bills split, who accompanies parents when they're ill. When both are already exhausted, who is willing to go the extra mile. When one person hits a low, will the other pause their grievances first.

These things are trivial but are more honest than any vow.

Perhaps the truly valuable thing in marriage is never the wedding, the ring, or the certificate.

It's responsibility.

When she's sick, can I take over the tasks. When she's having a rough time at work and is emotionally fragile, do I find her troublesome. After life loses its novelty, am I still willing to talk to her properly.

In the end, love often no longer relies on heartbeat to prove itself. It becomes whether one person takes the other's troubles to heart.

But marriage cannot extend the life of love either.

Many people think that getting married means the other person won't leave. But if one person's body stays at home while their heart has long been gone, that piece of paper can't stop it.

Marriage can prescribe responsibilities, but it cannot command someone to forever want to be close to another.

The most dangerous thing is that we always try to solve one thing with another.

Using physical intimacy to confirm being loved, marriage to eliminate insecurity, a child to revive a fading relationship. The original problems won't disappear; they will only be temporarily suppressed.

Without trust, suspicion persists even after marriage. Without communication, living together only amplifies conflicts. When a person's heart is no longer there, no amount of intimacy can keep them.

So now, I won't immediately believe that a relationship is solid just because someone says they want to marry me. Nor will I label us as soulmates just because we are perfectly compatible.

I prefer to look at everyday things.

Do they run away when problems arise, do they keep their promises, is there respect after desire fades, do they still want to share after life becomes routine.

A truly rare relationship is when these three things gradually align.

We attract each other, but it's not just attraction. We love each other, but we know love can't solve all practical problems. We decide to get married because we are willing to live together and bear the consequences, without anyone intending to use marriage to trap the other.

Sex can be passionate, love can be deep, and marriage can be stable.

The rarest is when they all happen in one relationship, and neither person is taking it lightly.

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