Weird VC Awards: 10 Typical Encryption VCs, how many have you encountered?

Author: rosie

Compiled by: Shenchao TechFlow

In this industry, we all have to deal with venture capitalists (VCs) to some extent. Some VCs are a godsend, but most are not. Here is a "field identification guide" to help you see their true colors before it’s too late.

Disclaimer: This article is a satire. If you feel offended, you may belong to one of the categories 1-9.

No venture capitalists were harmed in the creation of this article.

1. Anti-Airdrop Preacher

They will talk big about "building real value," but as soon as their tokens are unlocked, they will sell immediately. What they really mean is: "We do not support you doing airdrops, but we will certainly collect our own airdrops." These people will teach you how to design tokenomics when your project crashes by 80%. The first rule of the venture capital sell-off club is: you do not talk about the venture capital sell-off club.

2. Marketing Family Salesperson

They invested $50,000, but now they want you to spend $60,000 to hire their cousin's marketing company to recoup losses. This marketing company only has three clients: you and two other projects that are also funded by this venture capital. Their marketing strategy? Find a few influencers who bought the same NFT to post paid tweets.

3. Outdated Theorists

Their investment philosophy hasn't been updated since 2021. They are still talking about "Web3 social" and "metaverse infrastructure", but while you're doing your presentation, they're secretly searching under the table for "What is TEE technology". However, now as long as your business plan has the word "AI" in it, they will definitely invest.

4. Founder-Friendly Missing Persons

They will spend three weeks deeply researching your project, making you fill out 17 forms, introducing you to their entire team, but when it comes time to fund, they completely disappear. Six months later, they will congratulate you on Twitter for successfully raising funds from other investors.

5. Traditional Finance Turned Hero

They only joined the crypto industry in 2022, but will never let you forget that they used to work at Goldman Sachs. They may be active on Crypto Twitter (CT) now, but they are still obsessed with showing off their past experiences on LinkedIn. Their entire value-added service is "professional email templates" and "best practices for equity structure." They have never used a hardware wallet and will still ask, "What is gas fee?"

6. FOMO Vanguard

For months they completely ignored your project until they saw another venture capital mentioning your field on Twitter. Suddenly, they rush into your DMs asking for an "urgent call." They will offer terrible investment terms with a 24-hour explosive deadline. Once you accept, it takes them another 3 weeks to send over the documents.

7. Long-termism paper hands

They watched an interview with Cathie Wood on CNBC, listening to her say that Bitcoin will rise to $1.5 million by 2030, and from then on they keep repeating "We are long-termists" and "We are highly aligned with the founders on the five-year vision." However, once the market drops by 30%, they panic sell and blame it on the "uncontrollable market environment." Nevertheless, they still insist on retaining board seats.

8. Thought Leader in Short Selling

They have accumulated 50,000 followers by reposting others' opinions. The pinned tweet is about "builder culture," but they themselves have never really built anything. They will propose to "guide" your project, on the condition that they take 2% of the token share. And their usual suggestion is: "Have you tried getting an anonymous Twitter influencer to promote you?"

9. Early Stage High Demander

They will pretend that investing in your seed round is a "gift," but they will demand the benefits of the Series B round. You need to update them on progress every day, allow them to control the board, and give them direct access to your development team. They will message you at 11 PM on Sunday asking, "Quick question – when can I buy a Lamborghini?"

10. True Builder Unicorn

They will ask the right technical questions, have gone through multiple cycles, and will not waste your time. What they provide is not only funding but also real value. They understand your vision because they have also been on the front lines of the industry.

They are like unicorns - you might think they don't exist, but once you find one, you will never consider other venture capital again.

Final suggestion

Do not compromise on choosing investors for financing. Finding the right partners is the key difference between the success of a project and its transformation into an "AI-driven Web3 social layer aimed at DeFi users" in six months (translator's note: ironic that there are only grand narratives and slogans without implementation).