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Why do people ignore you just by saying "bring it on," but as a well-known figure, even if you go solo, you can still have many resources?
Let's elaborate on the nature of social interactions and reflections.
The essence of social interaction is divided into two types: empathetic socializing and utilitarian socializing.
1 (Empathetic Socializing)
It is based on emotional connection rather than benefit exchange. Most people engage in empathetic socializing when they are young. As a person ages, their social circle based on empathy tends to decrease with their increasing age, social class, status, and ability.
This is why people tend to feel lonelier as they grow older. When someone’s mental maturity is immature or they are unhappy with their life, they seek emotional support from friends.
2 (Utilitarian Socializing)
It is social behavior driven by the goal of achieving a certain purpose or gaining benefits. This kind of utilitarian socializing begins in childhood. People tend to be friends with children who have more snacks and toys, and prefer playing with those who do not bully them.
As a person’s mental maturity and social status improve, they pay more attention to the benefits of social interactions. When someone’s mental maturity reaches a certain level, their need for empathetic socializing almost drops to zero.
When we can distinguish between these two types of socializing, many problems can be solved because many issues arise from people’s unclear understanding of social dynamics.
A common example: some people believe it is natural for friends who engage in empathetic socializing to do things for friends involved in utilitarian socializing.
For example:
You are a translator, and a friend asks you to translate a paper, but they don’t even say thank you.
You are a photographer, and after taking photos and doing post-processing for a friend for free, they think it’s just a matter of pressing a few shutter buttons.
This is a typical manifestation of not understanding social boundaries. More seriously, traditional Chinese culture has always conflated utilitarian socializing with personal relationships.
"Friends should help each other, friends should trouble each other" — this is a concept drilled into us from childhood. When your "empathetic friend" asks for a "utilitarian need," refusing them can lead to a bad reputation as "not being a good friend."
In China, the way to build connections is to establish relationships and become friends, then later make utilitarian requests. It’s because of this "unclear boundary in Chinese-style socializing" that many people become obsessed with managing relationships, handling social interactions, and consuming chicken soup, leading to so-called drinking culture and a society of personal favors.
We need to realize: for empathetic friends, you can make empathetic requests—chatting with you, comforting you, etc.—but when it comes to (utilitarian) social interactions, you should communicate with others in a (utilitarian) manner.
For example, if a friend borrows money from you, you should be grateful and get an IOU.
When your empathetic friend asks for needs beyond boundaries, you have the absolute right to refuse 100%. The decision to help or not is yours; you are not responsible for their misfortune or problems. You also don’t need to feel guilty when refusing a friend’s request because the other person has no right to blame you for not helping.
Once you understand the essence of social interactions, you also need to learn—focus on the matter, not the person.
Most people unconsciously get used to making value judgments and guessing motives when interacting with others. They tend to be emotionally volatile, which seriously affects rationality and logical thinking. When opinions differ, it shifts from "discussion" to "defending one's own viewpoint."
We should stop judging others’ personalities or values and only state facts.
For example:
Xiao Li, you didn’t do a good job on this project, instead of Xiao Li, you are truly useless.
Xiao Zhou, you just finished eating snacks, instead of Xiao Zhou, you are a hungry ghost.
Xiao Wang, the spicy hotpot you ordered is not tasty, instead of Xiao Wang, you are a broke loser.
When someone communicates with you and constantly makes value judgments or attacks you based on a matter, it doesn’t mean you are bad; it means the person judging you is blinded by their emotions.
Similarly: don’t think that someone who donates money as a traitor should be remembered.
Nor should you think that a superhero who does good deeds in a drama but fails to save their uncle is a bad person.
The standard for judging whether someone can be your friend has never been how long you’ve known each other. True friends have certain thresholds and meet your requirements.
When you feel exhausted dealing with some friends or want to stop associating with someone but feel constrained by face, my advice is to end it directly. Many people worry about being rejected by the group or losing help.
Therefore, my subsequent advice is crucial and also my core purpose: you must keep improving yourself.
It’s like a natural fragrance—once you have value, even if you go alone, many resources will seek you out. I hope this article can help you.